Word Vomit + Cringeworthy Song

It’s finals week (aka dead week) and I’m currently sitting in the library taking a break from my English Composition portfolio due TOMORROW.

*heavy breathing*

Hey internet, it’s been awhile again. The last time we spoke (or typed? or– I’m not really sure) I was recovering from laryngitis. Technically, I couldn’t speak back then, but you get the point. I’m just using this time away from my academic duties to word vomit so I can generate more word vomit that can actually be useful in collegiate writing.

Writing is tough when you actually need to think about it and you have to be so formal.

On the bright side, in four days I’ll be home and reunited with my bed (pretty much the love of my life) and I finally get to eat home cooked meals. I don’t think you understand how excited I am to finally eat food that is not meant to feed several hundred people.

Anyway, now that I think about it, it’s really saddened me that I don’t blog as often as I used to. I don’t even write poetry anymore. I don’t even write songs! *GASP* (yes, capitalization is extremely necessary). I really miss those days when I wrote songs daily and they were actually good. I mean, the last song that I wrote was about two months ago about how I still mope around about my life.

Seriously. The lyrics is “I’m still sitting on my bed singing sad songs that remind me of you. Because isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”

Not going to lie, I am pretty proud of that song. Nonetheless, it’s pathetic and I could do so much better.

Also, the other day I listened to my song that I composed and recorded for an independent study project in 10th grade. I listened to the whole damn thing and even though I cringed at some parts, that is something I treasure. I may not have appreciated the experience then and I may have not liked how my song turned out (I was sick during the recording process), but I really love it now because of all the memories it holds and because I DID A THING. I HAVE MY OWN SONG. ASDFGHJKL.

It’s been three years later and I just now finally appreciate that song (as much as I still cringe while listening to it). I also miss that I could actually sing– I was really good! What happened?

I really need to get back to it instead of moping around. Dammit Mani.




Word Vomit + Cringeworthy Song

I can’t shut up

Day two of losing my voice and I absolutely hate it.

Hey internet, It’s been a while and before I explain how I lost my voice, let’s recap what has happened in the last two months.

  1. Fall quarter finals
  2. Winter break (!!!)
  3. Start of winter quarter
  4. Midterms

And now today, the weekend after midterms week. I’m sure you can tell my life has been very interesting in the last two months. Jokes, a lot has happened which is why I was too busy to blog about it. But hey, I’m back!

And back to my voice (or lack of).

Because last week was midterms week, and I was cursed with a cold during that time, I decided to focus on everything but myself (I mean, GPA is forever right?). Until the other day, when I thought I was fine, I started battling a really bad sore throat. That’s a sign that I shouldn’t talk, right? I clearly didn’t get the memo because I still kept babbling away until yesterday morning I actually LOST my voice. ZERO VOICE.

Doctor told me I have laryngitis.

“WHAT?!?” -Me and pretty much everyone else when I tell them I have laryngitis

I’m actually starting to recover, however. Like today, when instead of waking up with no voice at all, I woke up sounding like a dying goat. Do I know what a dying goat sounds like? No, but if I had to guess, it would be how I sound like right now.

That or my voice cracks sound like those of a young boy going through puberty (x100).

This experience has got me thinking however, I really have taken my voice for granted. Especially as someone who relies on speaking as her primary form of communication. I went to a work meeting today and I realized that verbal communication is one of my main forms of conveying information. And even though I participated and was heard in this meeting and my co-workers understood my situation, I have never felt so vulnerable and unheard.

Similarly, I SING. How am I supposed to do that if I can’t even SPEAK?!?!

I think one of the most frustrating things about this experience was that I couldn’t pursue one of the things I enjoy simply because I was physically incapable of doing so. I’m listening to music as I’m writing this, and all I want to do is sing along to the songs. After all, with my busy schedule, rarely do I ever get the chance to jam out to my guitar or have the time alone in my room so I can sing without fear of embarrassment.


Hey voicebox, get better soon. I want my voice back and fully-functioning asap.

I can’t shut up

Sad Songs, Inspiration Box

The other day my roommate was playing a sad song playlist on spotify and after singing along to numerous tracks by Adele, Sam Smith, Mumford and Sons and maybe even a couple of Miley Cyrus songs here and there, a sudden wave of emotions started to hit me. I mean, it is expected. I’m listening to freaking Adele and Sam Smith– who doesn’t cry when they listen to their soothing voices that chant out beautifully constructed, yet heartbreaking lyrics?

I mean the moment Adele first says “Hello” I want to start sobbing like a baby.

There are sad songs that just make you sad because you hear the emotions and the lyrics are so gut-wrenchingly beautiful, and there are sad songs that make you sad because you can feel your emotions and the artist has written and sung every lyric out of your own mouth. And this sadness, even you’re like me, who claims to be an “emotionless” brick wall that can’t be torn down by a bunch of measly feelings will hit you so hard you’ll feel like you’ve been knocked down by a brick yourself.

Putting Adele, Sam Smith, and even Miley Cyrus aside, one song really pushed me off the edge. Let It Go- James Bay. (Sorry to disappoint all you Frozen enthusiasts.) If you haven’t listened to it, LISTEN because it’s such an amazing song and regardless of where you are at at your life, how old you are, what your relationship status is, this song will give you all the feels you need to fill a bucket in tears. The last time I listened to it was while walking down my campus quad on my way home from the library and because I had listened to it so much, I started to feel numb about it. Sad, yes, but no more tears. In fact, I enjoyed this melancholy feeling because it made me feel like the sadness I have associated with this song is genuine. However, the other day I listened to this song after not hearing it for a few solid weeks.

This is how the full 4 minutes and 22 seconds went down:

0:20 “From walking home and talking loads…”
Aww this is the song! I love this song!

0:57 “So come on and let it go…”
Feelings are real. Oh my god.

2:03 “I used to recognize myself…”
Deep breaths, Mani. Deeeeeeep breaths. Bury yourself in your econ homework. Distraction. DISTRACTION!

2:56 “Trying to fit your hand inside of mine when we know it just don’t belong…”
Nope. Nope. I’m done. James Bay, you broke me.

I couldn’t even last three minutes of the song.

I’m not sure whether I still feel emotionally connected to the song because I still relate to it so much or maybe it became one of those sad songs that I feel obligated to cry to. Maybe it’s hormones (that’s quite a possibility, actually) or maybe I’m not as cold-hearted and emotionless as I tell people I am. But whatever it is, I always learn from such experiences that music really gets you through tough times, regardless of the genre. In fact, I listen to sad songs to get myself to feel better.

It has also made me realize that these songs weren’t just created out of the blue. They were crafted by experience and pain. That pain, sadness, loneliness, and experience was just put into a box ready to be created into a song to help people like me get through those tough times.

So now it’s my turn to place my sadness into my inspiration box.


P.S. Once finals season is over, I’m gonna whip Tino out and we gon’ jam so hard, peanut butter will be envious.

P.P.S. Sorry I think I’m funny.

Sad Songs, Inspiration Box


With less than two weeks left until (American) Thanksgiving, you would expect that i’m feeling extremely excited to be home for a couple of days. And in fact, I am. I’m beyond excited to go back home and see my friends and eat home cooked meals and reunite with my bed…

But the more I think about getting closer to Thanksgiving, the more homesick I feel. I’m not only missing the people, but I actually miss my neighborhood, the city, and the atmosphere.

It doesn’t matter that I’m only a 2.5 hour drive south from home, where the weather is practically the same and it basically looks like home outside. It’s not the same.

With all that in mind, I have also come to realize what I’m thankful for. What have I appreciated? WHO am I thankful for? I know I’m a week and a half away from thanksgiving, but I don’t need a specific day to truly express all the things, people, and experiences I’m thankful for.

  1. My family. Having been away from my family for nearly two months now, I’m really missing them– especially my mom, sister and grandma. These three have had my back for so long and to not have them by my side through all my ups and downs really frazzles me sometimes. (Although at least being away from home keeps the nagging at bay)
  2. Home cooked meals. Do I really need to explain how much better my mom’s homemade scrambled eggs are than the ones they serve at the dining hall? Like, no. That is not acceptable and that is why I have lived off of oatmeal for breakfast for the past two months.
  3. My friends. When you’re a couple hundred miles away from your best friends– ones you have known for years and pretty much know you inside out– it’s really scary to feel like you have to start over. Nearly two months in and I still feel anxious about the thought of having to move forward and finding people to fill the void that surrounds me while I’m here. But I love my friends, nonetheless– at college and at home.
  4. Controlled heaters. When you can’t control the temperature of your dorm room, wouldn’t you be grateful for having thermostats in your home? Thermostats that you can control?
  5. Cars. When you have to walk everywhere you go, you appreciate the little things like driving and having a car. Cars are nice because you can go to places without getting soaking wet from the wrath of the pacific northwest rain.
  6. High school. I can’t say I miss high school, nor can I say I don’t miss high school. But I am thankful of the high school I went to because it has shaped me to be the person I am today, providing me with valuable relationships and connections and memories I can talk about for hours to all my friends here. As weird as it may be to admit it, my high school was the bomb.
  7. Lastly, I’m grateful for all the opportunities that have come my way and the ones I will continue to seek. I have honestly taken for granted all of the success I have achieved from the opportunities I have, whether it’s academic or extracurricular, as they have definitely shaped me into who I am today and have brought me to where I am today: sitting in my dorm room on a saturday night blogging away. But in all seriousness, I wouldn’t even be in such an incredible, beautiful and well-established school if it wasn’t for some of the opportunities I have pursued.

And because of that, I am forever thankful.


A Month’s Worth of Experience

For those who actually read this (thanks?) you may have wondered where I ran off to. I’m alive and well, don’t worry– transitioning to college has been a lot more interesting than I had anticipated it to be.

I’ve been spending most of my time in classes, studying, eating, sleeping, studying some more, eating more and wishing I can get more sleep (amongst making a couple of poor life decisions here and there but that’s besides the point). I can’t say it’s been eventful, but it also has. So much has changed in these past few months– this past one especially– and although it’s extremely overwhelming, it’s a lot of fun.

And to celebrate bring a college student for just over a month, I decided to share some of my advice and life hacks because I think I have gained so much knowledge in the past 5 weeks to feel entitled and obligated to share my words of wisdom. (while being in the comforts of my own freezing dorm room.. I swear I live in a freezer)

  1. If you’re too lazy to wash dishes, just rinse your dishes with very hot water. It basically does the same thing as soap, but just a lot more efficient for those who are as lazy as I am.
  2. Talk to people. Not only is it good to network, but if you don’t talk and act sociable, people will think you’re a) unlikable b) antisocial c) not friendly or d) a, b & c. We don’t want that, now don’t we?
  3. Dining hall food isn’t the greatest but it gets the job done. Need I say more?
  4. You are also going to run out of milk and that is going to be a sad day.
  5. Snapchat all the cool things you’re doing in college to make sure people know you’re having an amazing time in college, despite learning about how the laws of demand affect people’s everyday consumer choices on the daily.
  6. Guys will hit on you.
  7. You will crush on guys.
  8. You will find guys who you think are so magically perfect until you find out that they have a girlfriend and then they’re broken beyond belief.
  9. You will also find guys who think you are so magically perfect and then they find out you are not interested and then you’re broken beyond belief.
  10. You don’t need to work out anymore because your entire campus is either full of stairs or very hilly so walking 5-10 minutes to class is basically a cardio workout. (Leg day is never skipped)

Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to eat my salad so that I can feel a little better about my poor dietary choices. (FRESHMAN 15 IS REAL)

A Month’s Worth of Experience


It’s been a while and a lot has happened.

  1. Left home, family, & friends.
  2. Move into a dorm. In a new city. In a new country (the motherland, of course).
  3. Met a TON of people

It doesn’t seem like much, but oh boy, this past week has been a wild ride.

They say you can literally create for yourself a new identity and go to college and they were damn right about that. I’m in a city hours away from home, the only person from my high school here and I don’t know ANYONE. It’s all fresh and new for me. No one knows who I was before and I’m not too sure if they will end up finding out.

Meanwhile, my friends back home all sit in the same row during their lectures.

Although I miss my family and friends, and I wish I could have a familiar face around here, this new start is refreshing. I feel comfortable and that’s all that matters. Slightly (maybe a little more than that) apprehensive about how academics are going to be like, but hey, I survived the first week!

So far so good. Roomie’s cool (we’re complete weirdos together it’s actually amazing), classes so far are pretty relaxed and straightforward, homework load isn’t too bad (although I can’t seem to immerse myself into this one reading we have to do… I’ll probably be saying that a lot), and I’m making friends and meeting new people is a lot of fun!

Not sure if some of the guys are being nice, though, or if they’re being “too friendly” (wink wink)… I’ll get back to you on that some other time.


Packing My Life Away (part 2)

Did I ever mention that I hate packing?

T-minus 2 days (more like 1 since today’s practically over) until I’m off to the college world and man, am I excited and scared as hell. Packing is a slow progress:

Clothes ✓
Books ✓
Decor ✓
Desk supplies ✓
Bedding ✓
Miscellaneous other junk ✓ ✓ ✓

I’m slowly starting to see my room empty out. And while I’m not taking EVERYTHING in my room, it’s still pretty empty. My room doesn’t feel like me anymore: a black hole of a closet, photographs all over my wall, lights around my window. The character isn’t there and I can’t wait for the day I can finally walk into my dorm room and say that I’ve settled in and called this space my own. Terrified that it’s going to take a while for that to happen. I really don’t want to be stuck in a mundane room for all of first quarter.

More than packing, though, I hate unpacking, and all I’m really doing now is organizing my life in boxes and suitcases so that unpacking will be a hell of a lot easier. Clothes in a box and suitcase, electronics and decor in another box, large appliances in their respective boxes? Easy peasy, right? Mind you, there’s going to be 2 girl’s worth of boxes and suitcase all crammed in a small room that we have to sort out. And with our parents in the way (well, I have to admit they will be a lot of help) and my slight anxious tendencies when things don’t go my way, settling in isn’t going to be a breeze.

I guess we’ll see on Friday.

Packing My Life Away (part 2)

exploding kittens

All it takes are little distractions to get your mind off of distress. And I can honestly say that I’ve been truly blessed with some of the most craziest, hilarious, fun-spirited and supportive friends.

Today was the last time I got together with my group of close friends. Usually I’d hang out with them individually or in groups of 2-3, but this time it was the whole gang (at least those who are already here and aren’t going to be leaving). It was bittersweet, since, who knows when I’ll see them all next (possibly winter break???). All those moments of playing Cards Against Humanity, or Exploding Kittens will simply be memories and all those times we’ll roll on the floor laughing hysterically in the middle of a card or board game will just be replayed over and over in my head, waiting to happen in real life again.

It’s a little more bitter than it is sweet.

But what these friends have taught me, throughout the 5+ years that I’ve known them, is that every moment is a happy one if you make the most out of it. Everything can be enjoyed, if you are willing to make it enjoyable. There’s never a dull moment with them, and that’s all because we always make the most out of everything. We never fail to literally roll on the floor laughing (rofl) when someone picks up the exploding kitten card, or when someone brings out a tub of icing to dip cookies and cinnamon rolls in, or when someone wishes me a “great transition.”

It’s not that we have a weird sense of humor; we just sometimes have moments where everything– I mean EVERYTHING– just seems to amuse us.

Now, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but my point is that I’m so grateful to have these friends in my life and it does hurt me to think that in a few days/weeks from now, I’ll have new friends who– although will never replace the old ones– will fill up the void that surrounds me as I’m adjusting into my new life and meeting new people.

P.S. still very salty that I never won a game of exploding kittens

exploding kittens


Hey you,

It’s nice to be able to talk to you with a new perspective in my head (all thanks to the best friend for knocking some sense and reality into me). And no matter how hard I tried to be “chill” and accepting of everything that has occurred in the past month, summer, year, overthinking got the best of me and sometimes reality would just knock me over and leave me on my knees, crying and praying that things would get better.

And I think it’s starting to get better.

So thanks, for making me open up to a new experience; thanks for bringing me into a new world full of temporary promises, wishes, goals and happiness. At least it still existed and hopefully we don’t have to pretend that it never occurred. Thanks for filling up my heart only for it to be ripped out of my chest. Although, I hate to admit, I gave you the opportunity to do that and I don’t think I’d change my choice. But throughout everything that has happened, and will continue to happen in my life (at least), I really learned a lot about myself. You were a great help. Because of you, I got to see what I want and need, what I like and dislike, what I desire and despise, what I crave and what I disapprove.

And most importantly, what I like and what I love. Thanks for making me realize that love isn’t just a fancy word used to cover up lustful desires and that love comes in all sorts of forms so long as you’re willing to seek and accept it.

But as the story unfolds, you’re not for me. I’m not for you. Timing was definitely not in our favor (because if it was, boy, things would have been much more different and I wouldn’t be writing this). And honestly speaking, that sucks. I don’t want all this, I don’t want to feel what I felt, and I don’t want to write about this. I’m writing this because I can. This is life and we have to swallow down everything life spoon-feeds us and hope we don’t throw it up or else it’ll just be shoved down in our throats again.

I learned to swallow it all down.

I can’t say I’ve moved on; I’d be lying if I said that. I’m saying I’m trying and so far, it’s working. I hope things can cool down and have the broken pieces be slowly bandaged up.  But I can say that I’m not going back. There will be opportunities to reconcile. So whatever you want to do with everything that’s been left off, is up to you.

Just don’t expect me to turn around again.


Packing my life away

I hate packing.

There’s something about it that makes me despise it so much. Maybe it’s because it requires me to actually get off my bed and do something productive for once. Maybe it’s because my bedroom  home looks like a tornado just passed through it. Or perhaps it’s because no matter how hard I try, I can’t make neatly. It’s always a mess.

The overly organized side of me does not approve of this.

I’m not simply packing for a small vacation getaway. Oh no. I wish. I’m literally packing my life away– to college. I have to manage to pack all the clothes (half of them that I probably won’t even wear because I’ll be wearing the same old clothes every day… yay college!), shoes, room decor (IMPORTANT otherwise my dorm room will look like a hellhole), books, supplies and other miscellaneous items wandering around my room into simply just a few boxes and suitcases.

Not to mention I still have to shop for some items. Splurging before putting a dent in my parent’s bank accounts when my tuition gets paid? Logic.

Wifi router? Laptop? Printer? Dishes and cutlery? Storage compartments? School supplies I’M BECOMING AN ADULT HELP.

I’m extremely overwhelmed and I haven’t even started packing.

Maybe I should start.

T-minus 10 days.

Packing my life away