It’s nice to be able to talk to you with a new perspective in my head (all thanks to the best friend for knocking some sense and reality into me). And no matter how hard I tried to be “chill” and accepting of everything that has occurred in the past
month, summer, year, overthinking got the best of me and sometimes reality would just knock me over and leave me on my knees, crying and praying that things would get better.
And I think it’s starting to get better.
So thanks, for making me open up to a new experience; thanks for bringing me into a new world full of temporary promises, wishes, goals and happiness. At least it still existed and hopefully we don’t have to pretend that it never occurred. Thanks for filling up my heart only for it to be ripped out of my chest. Although, I hate to admit, I gave you the opportunity to do that and I don’t think I’d change my choice. But throughout everything that has happened, and will continue to happen in my life (at least), I really learned a lot about myself. You were a great help. Because of you, I got to see what I want and need, what I like and dislike, what I desire and despise, what I crave and what I disapprove.
And most importantly, what I like and what I love. Thanks for making me realize that love isn’t just a fancy word used to cover up lustful desires and that love comes in all sorts of forms so long as you’re willing to seek and accept it.
But as the story unfolds, you’re not for me. I’m not for you. Timing was definitely not in our favor (because if it was, boy, things would have been much more different and I wouldn’t be writing this). And honestly speaking, that sucks. I don’t want all this, I don’t want to feel what I felt, and I don’t want to write about this. I’m writing this because I can. This is life and we have to swallow down everything life spoon-feeds us and hope we don’t throw it up or else it’ll just be shoved down in our throats again.
I learned to swallow it all down.
I can’t say I’ve moved on; I’d be lying if I said that. I’m saying I’m trying and so far, it’s working. I hope things can cool down and have the broken pieces be slowly bandaged up. But I can say that I’m not going back. There will be opportunities to reconcile. So whatever you want to do with everything that’s been left off, is up to you.
Just don’t expect me to turn around again.