exploding kittens

All it takes are little distractions to get your mind off of distress. And I can honestly say that I’ve been truly blessed with some of the most craziest, hilarious, fun-spirited and supportive friends.

Today was the last time I got together with my group of close friends. Usually I’d hang out with them individually or in groups of 2-3, but this time it was the whole gang (at least those who are already here and aren’t going to be leaving). It was bittersweet, since, who knows when I’ll see them all next (possibly winter break???). All those moments of playing Cards Against Humanity, or Exploding Kittens will simply be memories and all those times we’ll roll on the floor laughing hysterically in the middle of a card or board game will just be replayed over and over in my head, waiting to happen in real life again.

It’s a little more bitter than it is sweet.

But what these friends have taught me, throughout the 5+ years that I’ve known them, is that every moment is a happy one if you make the most out of it. Everything can be enjoyed, if you are willing to make it enjoyable. There’s never a dull moment with them, and that’s all because we always make the most out of everything. We never fail to literally roll on the floor laughing (rofl) when someone picks up the exploding kitten card, or when someone brings out a tub of icing to dip cookies and cinnamon rolls in, or when someone wishes me a “great transition.”

It’s not that we have a weird sense of humor; we just sometimes have moments where everything– I mean EVERYTHING– just seems to amuse us.

Now, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but my point is that I’m so grateful to have these friends in my life and it does hurt me to think that in a few days/weeks from now, I’ll have new friends who– although will never replace the old ones– will fill up the void that surrounds me as I’m adjusting into my new life and meeting new people.

P.S. still very salty that I never won a game of exploding kittens

Advertisements
exploding kittens

Thanks

Hey you,

It’s nice to be able to talk to you with a new perspective in my head (all thanks to the best friend for knocking some sense and reality into me). And no matter how hard I tried to be “chill” and accepting of everything that has occurred in the past month, summer, year, overthinking got the best of me and sometimes reality would just knock me over and leave me on my knees, crying and praying that things would get better.

And I think it’s starting to get better.

So thanks, for making me open up to a new experience; thanks for bringing me into a new world full of temporary promises, wishes, goals and happiness. At least it still existed and hopefully we don’t have to pretend that it never occurred. Thanks for filling up my heart only for it to be ripped out of my chest. Although, I hate to admit, I gave you the opportunity to do that and I don’t think I’d change my choice. But throughout everything that has happened, and will continue to happen in my life (at least), I really learned a lot about myself. You were a great help. Because of you, I got to see what I want and need, what I like and dislike, what I desire and despise, what I crave and what I disapprove.

And most importantly, what I like and what I love. Thanks for making me realize that love isn’t just a fancy word used to cover up lustful desires and that love comes in all sorts of forms so long as you’re willing to seek and accept it.

But as the story unfolds, you’re not for me. I’m not for you. Timing was definitely not in our favor (because if it was, boy, things would have been much more different and I wouldn’t be writing this). And honestly speaking, that sucks. I don’t want all this, I don’t want to feel what I felt, and I don’t want to write about this. I’m writing this because I can. This is life and we have to swallow down everything life spoon-feeds us and hope we don’t throw it up or else it’ll just be shoved down in our throats again.

I learned to swallow it all down.

I can’t say I’ve moved on; I’d be lying if I said that. I’m saying I’m trying and so far, it’s working. I hope things can cool down and have the broken pieces be slowly bandaged up.  But I can say that I’m not going back. There will be opportunities to reconcile. So whatever you want to do with everything that’s been left off, is up to you.

Just don’t expect me to turn around again.

Thanks

Packing my life away

I hate packing.

There’s something about it that makes me despise it so much. Maybe it’s because it requires me to actually get off my bed and do something productive for once. Maybe it’s because my bedroom  home looks like a tornado just passed through it. Or perhaps it’s because no matter how hard I try, I can’t make neatly. It’s always a mess.

The overly organized side of me does not approve of this.

I’m not simply packing for a small vacation getaway. Oh no. I wish. I’m literally packing my life away– to college. I have to manage to pack all the clothes (half of them that I probably won’t even wear because I’ll be wearing the same old clothes every day… yay college!), shoes, room decor (IMPORTANT otherwise my dorm room will look like a hellhole), books, supplies and other miscellaneous items wandering around my room into simply just a few boxes and suitcases.

Not to mention I still have to shop for some items. Splurging before putting a dent in my parent’s bank accounts when my tuition gets paid? Logic.

Wifi router? Laptop? Printer? Dishes and cutlery? Storage compartments? School supplies I’M BECOMING AN ADULT HELP.

I’m extremely overwhelmed and I haven’t even started packing.

Maybe I should start.

T-minus 10 days.

Packing my life away

Tiramisu

When I first see that heavenly slice of cake, I immediately feel an instant attraction. I dive in and take my first bite- mmmm so delicious; I feel like I can eat the whole piece. So light and airy I feel like I’m on top of the world. Every bite was complimented with a smile. I am in love with the way the sweet and bitter tastes make me feel; it’s a feeling unlike any other. 

I keep indulging and my satisfaction level lessens the more bites I take of the coffee flavored, creamy deliciousness. But the more I eat, the quicker I start to feel full. The feeling in my stomach starts to feel heavy, making me wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I tell myself that this feeling will pass and everything will be okay again. However, this one piece of cake makes me feel like I gained 10 pounds in a sitting, overwhelming me. I slow down and ultimately can’t finish it anymore. I tried to battle through, bite by bite, but with every bite I felt weighed down. The light, airy comfort wasn’t there anymore. What seemed so perfect doesn’t seem perfect anymore. It’s not the same as the first bite. It’s not as exciting anymore. And I hate to admit, but it hurts me to say that. 

The tiramisu cake attracted me right away, but maybe it wasn’t the best choice for me. Perfect for a moment, but not for long. Small indulgences but no lifelong commitment. 

Bitter and sweet. Bittersweet. 

He’s like the tiramisu cake in my life.

Tiramisu

break free

because its been way to long since I’ve felt complete 

and its time to not cry about the memories

so I’ll spread out my wings and set myself free

free, free

time for me to break free

break free

Never underestimate the power of eating ice cream out of its container

You know how in the movies, when two characters go through a breakup, the girl is often sitting on her bed, with a box of tissues, multiple used tissues, and a container of ice cream crying to her best friend about her broken relationship while watching a sappy romantic movie? I never wrapped my head around the idea of eating ice cream out of its container– I mean, what if I didn’t finish it? I would have had to place a used container of ice cream back in the freezer and that’s kinda rude. What if someone wanted that ice cr-? Oh I get it now.

That’s actually a pretty good way to let others (I’m talking to you, Dad) know what’s mine. That ice cream.

I’m going on a tangent here. My point is, I never thought that the stereotypical post-breakup meltdown actually existed. Or that it actually helped.

Boy, was I wrong.

Now, I had a real funny way of dealing with my relationship issues. I was very accepting of my breakup. In fact, I didn’t even cry about it days later when I came across some hilarious TIFU reddit posts and I realized I couldn’t screenshot and send it to him because how awkward would that have been.

Me: *sends screenshot* LOL HAHA
Him: … lol
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: brb gonna dig up my own grave of shame

I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

But in all honesty, as emotional as I got and as frustrated as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to melodramatically cry about it. I mean, I had to get it out of my system somehow. I was too scared to look back at photos, nor did I want to go over and reread conversations. But I constantly felt this feeling of emptiness surrounding me and I didn’t know how to get rid of it. No matter how much I surrounded myself with friends, watched TV, went out or went through his social media profiles, this void surrounding me continued to haunt me.

So one day I decided to give it a shot. There just so happened to be a container of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked (heaven) in the freezer and with that in one hand and a spoon in the other, I plopped onto my bed, turned on a movie and ate away.

It was very enjoyable. 10/10 would do it again.

And then it hit me. I’m that girl in the movies. Ice cream in one hand, spoon in my mouth, comedy movie playing in an attempt to cheer me up and my phone spammed with replies from my best friends. With all that in mind, I felt it.

I felt my emotions engulfing me.

I take that back. 10/10 probably would not do that again. 

That’s another story in itself.

Damn you, feelings. Damn you.

Never underestimate the power of eating ice cream out of its container